Let’s Talk Sh!t

This week, we played an amazing card game with our friend asking the questions. Cards and other activities are such a simple way to spark conversation. I’m a huge fan of just about any exercise. You often learn something very important, share an embarrassing story that makes you laugh, or (at the very least), they can remind you of important things that you learned but may have forgotten.

There are a plethora of games, books, activities, and exercises that you can find free or cheap just about anywhere. I recommend Ace Metaphor, The Game of You, and The Adventure Challenge. The great thing about all three of these is that you can play these by yourself, with a friend or family member, with someone you are dating, or with a long-term partner with great benefit and fun. It may sound corny or even be a little bit uncomfortable at first but once you get over the initial hurdle you’ll find yourself gaining better communication abilities and a stronger understanding of and love for yourself. If you haven’t tried any of these before, give one a try now! There are tons of freebies on the internet, so you have no excuse :)

Positions Sh!t

This week, we talked about positions, a topic I thoroughly enjoyed turning on its head (see what I did there?). We humans are so silly in how we constantly try to slice things, smooth out the edges, place them in a box, and slap a label them.  I get it: it’s helpful to name stuff in order to understand it. It’s also very limiting and takes away the best parts of a thing. The beauty is in the grey, not the black and white.

We are such a society of bisectors and dichotomists. I’m guilty of buying into the binary: I, too, in my early days as a fledgling queer, only saw my options as top or bottom. Then along came vers…but of course it still had its friendly and familiar suffixes vers bottom or vers top. I do like the article we read and the idea of being a side. The continued use of directions but in a subversive way is so fun to me. Much like our evolving sense of gender and sexuality, so too should our view of roles in sex be: fluid, open, and pleasurable. Go break some boundaries ;)

Whitewashing Sh!t

This week, we talked about my fellow, problematic white queer folk. More specifically, how we are whitewashing our Pride events. This is not a new topic: it is another in a long series of conversations about how anyone non-white is removed from the conversation, so much so that we even put forth a white history. I saw it at a museum exhibit that only showed pictures of white people and I didn’t even realize what I was looking at it.

I can honestly say that I am proud of where we are going with this issue. It is being discussed. Changes are happening. There are flags with black and brown stripes. Trans people of color show up when you do an image search on queer history. Newspapers are covering movements, rallies, protests, and events. It is getting better…but we still have a heck of a long way to go. What can you do this year to celebrate Pride without whitewashing it? I’d love to hear from you.

Thirst Trap Sh!t

This week, we talked about whether or not someone ought to post revealing or sexually charged/explicit pictures of themselves online when they are in a relationship. As we discussed on the podcast (and the tagline we say so often, you all are probably getting tired of hearing it!), communication is key. There is no right or wrong answer: there is only what works for you and your partner. As with everything else, though, being honest is key. It doesn’t count as communication if you saying what you think you should say :)

If you have to do it as advertising for your business, I totally get sharing skin to draw in a crowd. For me, if that isn’t why you are posting provocative pictures, there is an element of attention-seeking that makes me wonder what you aren’t getting in the relationship with me. That’s just my opinion (but this is my blog, so you are here to read my opinion, aren’t you?). I didn’t necessarily learn anything new so much as affirmed what I already knew. It is always nice to check in with your partner and see if your values are still the same. People do grow and change over time, after all!

Zodiac Sh!t

This week, we talked about zodiac signs and whether we believe in them or not. For me, I find them to be full of helpful information but signs don’t dictate the choices that I make. If they did, I never would have ended up with my husband! If you listened to the podcast, you know what I’m talking about :)

The topic did make me want to do more research, though. The parts about emotional balance and the need for social interactions were striking. What I found most interesting, though, is the stance that our values were somehow not in synch. Our shared values were one of the first things that made me think of Marko as a potential long-term partner. What do you all think about zodiac signs? Are you, like the two of us, making a star-crossed relationship work in spite of the odds?

Bickering Sh!t

This week, we talked about those little fights every couple or roommate gets into from time to time. No matter how patient you are or how great your relationship is, even Buddhist monks disagree from time to time! We explored some of the most common reasons that couples have small fights, from toothpaste tubes and cell phone distractions to the almighty thermostat!

I think what I learned most from talking about this topic with my husband is that we fight about the stupidest sh!t. Seriously! I could be angry that his shoes are in the middle of the floor or I can be happy that we share a space where his shoes, like the rest of his stuff, ends up every single day. I could choose to focus on how he uses way more paper towels than he needs to or I could choose…I could choose…no, that one is annoying as hell. And its bad for the environment! All kidding aside, as I said on the podcast, ask yourself: is this really going to matter in five years? Almost certainly not.

Patreon Sh!t

This week, we highlighted a few excerpts from our Patreon paid content episodes. Every week, you hear the podcast but there is more content to be had: drop in on the soundcheck, laugh through our rapid-fire questions, and hear what our guests have to say about the week’s topic!

Aside from all the fun extras, a donation to the podcast directly benefits our queer community. Your money is used to enlist the talents of gay, lesbian, non-binary, trans, and elder individuals, artists, people with disabilities, and those affect by the economic impact of COVID. Since we launched the Patreon page, we have engaged with a graphic designer, an illustrator, a social media expert, and a sound designer, as well as increased the book sales of three authors, became the #1 used promo code for a queer-friendly business that donates to pride events, and exposed an entire podcast network of over 20,000 to important queer educational events! Supporting the LGBTQIA+ community is so important. Selfishly, this has also introduced us to some really amazing people that have become friends of the podcast and of us personally. As many of us know, there is the family that you are born into and the family that you choose/make. I can definitely say that our patrons are our chosen family who enriches our lives regularly. And they are damn talented and funny and kind and giving! This whole enterprise has been so rewarding.

If you are already a Patreon member, we thank you. If you aren’t, please continue to enjoy the free podcast and (hopefully) benefit from the information that we present and the examples of healthy queer relationships, values, and skills that we bring to your ears every week. We just ask that you give if you can. Even $3 a month adds up very quickly and goes a long way. We appreciate you!

Interracial Sh!t

This week, we revisited the topic of interracial relationships and the blinders that some of us put on when it comes to race. It is no secret that I was completely ignorant when it came to the Black experience in America, despite my working with marginalized groups my entire professional career. Even being married to my husband did nothing to educate me. It wasn’t until very recently when Marko began talking more about being Black and sharing what he experiences on a daily basis, that my education truly began. Now, the commonplace conversations with our Black family and friends are less of a shock to my naivety and more of an opportunity to learn a little bit better how I can support my husband and use my privilege.

As we said on the podcast, we will revisit this topic from time to time because having this conversation once is like having a talk about sex once and thinking that you have covered everything. Think about your own experience with your growing sexuality: was one conversation enough to equip you to be safe, show respect, understand what pleases you, feel comfortable to ask your partner what they like, maintain healthy communication, and thoughtfully end a relationship when it is time? Of course not. So it is not too difficult to extrapolate that realization and apply it to things like systemic racism. I still don’t consider myself to be very good at any of this but I know that I am learning. And I hope that some of you out there are doing the same.

Annoying Sh!t

This week, we talked with a group of devoted listeners during our live, virtual meet and greet event. We didn’t let anyone know what the topic was beforehand and the suspense was palpable! A special thank you again to our guests: we really appreciate you and had a lot of fun doing this episode together!

As I reflected more on this topic, I realized that there are some things that annoy me. Being able to identify them, acknowledge them, and respect the unmet needs that give rise to annoyance are all very important. But more importantly, as I’m sure we all know, is to let that sh!t go. We can’t go around feeling negative all the time. It is not healthy. So while I could stay made at my husband for using too many paper towels or leaving a light on, is it worth getting all worked up about? (Even as I type this, I hear how silly it sounds.) I think we can all strive to be more forgiving on the little things that aren’t deal-breakers. After all, our partners are human….

Thriving Sh!t

This week, we talked with the guys from Gay Man Thriving. We love, love, love them and the work that they are doing. We already planned to have family in town when we learned about the three-day workshop. If it wasn’t for that, I was totally going to spring for Marko and me to join. And I wasn’t going to use the discount code! Anyone who listens to the podcast knows what a big deal that is :) I just really believe in these gents and the curriculum they have developed. Truly an awesome pair doing very important work.

I was definitely affected by the brief interactions we had with the guys. I found myself thinking about ways that I could make myself and our relationship thrive. I resolved to interrupt some patterns and do everything I could to stay patient and say ‘yes’ when possible. I can honestly say that this past weekend with the family being here was absolutely wonderful and I did several things that were out of my default character or reaction to stress. I know that Gay Man Thriving had something to do with. I can only imagine what will continue to happen as I think further on their lessons, values, and courses. In the interim, I’ll take advantage of the free things they have posted! It has been a while since I invested in something like this: I think the pandemic made me stagnant. Time to get off my butt and grow!

Gift Sh!t

This week, we talked about the importance that gift-giving can play in a relationship. We discussed how it relates to your love language and the impact that it can have on your partner. I have always said that Marko is excellent at giving great gifts and I rely on him to provide that skill in our relationship. I often have ideas (some of which are good) but he always manages to elevate what ends up in the box with all the wrapping paper on it.

What I took away from this week’s episode was a great reminder that gifts do not have to be a physical object. They can be your time, your thoughtfulness, an experience; the one that resonated the most for me was to “crack down on criticism.” I don’t know what’s been going on with me the past few years but I realized that I have become a very critical person. I think I have always been a bit hypervigilant (thanks, trauma!) so I think and feel like a lot of the fast analysis of what is a threat and what isn’t bleeds into a sort of judgmental protective factor that ain’t cute. I think I can play off the same compulsions that drive this issue to help resolve it! I like the counting of positive versus negative comments and trying to maintain a ratio. I just need to make sure I don’t overly compliment when I should be reducing criticisms! Sounds like something I might try to get away with :)

TV Sh!t

This week, we talked about watching television both together and separately and what that might mean for your relationship. While there are many people who would argue that TV is a mindless waste of time, there is compelling, mounting evidence to suggest that there are, in fact, benefits to watching television shows together. Marko and I commented on the variety of shorthand jokes that we have with each other, mimicking some of our favorite shows. How can laughter together be a bad thing?!

Like so many current situations and arguments, it’s not so much that we are different or that times are different: it’s that we have not recognized how the same aspects of the human condition are simply responding to new stimuli. Just like anything else, you have to look at it holistically. Is your partner watching television as a means to avoid you? Are you watching shows that you’ve agreed to watch together without your partner and lying about it? Those are more accurate, critical questions. Rather than simply state that TV rots the brain, let’s take a look at how it enriches our lives and what we can do to use it as a tool to strengthen our relationships, conversations, humor, and relaxation. How do you feel about watching television with an intimate partner?

Gross Sh!t

This week, we talked about being gross in front of your partner. More specifically, we debated whether you should “maintain the mystery” or put it all out there. I have never understood this debate, myself: as I always say, I know what the bathroom was built for and what you are doing in there! I find the comfort level of being totally yourself, including completely natural bodily functions, to be very, very sexy.

The topic covered more than just the bathroom, of course. We talked about things that affect you throughout your lifetime, including “the honeymoon presentation/best foot forward,” medical issues, and family history. While not everyone will ever be okay with using the bathroom with the door open, the vulnerability that it takes to share these other things with your partner can be some really scary stuff. That’s why it is a step that many people cannot seem to take. But, in my opinion, it is a necessary milestone that one needs to achieve in order to move forward in this thing we call coupledom. On a more personal note, I thoroughly enjoyed discussing the topic with some of our listeners during the monthly virtual meet and greet. There was some really good conversation on the different viewpoints that each person had. I was especially delighted when one of our listeners shared how much she laughed during the podcast: that made my heart smile big time!

Healthy Sh!t

This week, we talked about being physically healthy with your partner and discussed specific “dos and don’ts” about approaching a less than excited paramour. While some of the tips seem pretty logical, you might be surprised at how many of us fall victim to resorting to the wrong type of persuasion.

What I found to be most interesting about this topic was my own resistance to it. Like the articles stated, some people can react quite negatively when they are told something they are doing isn’t “right.” I sincerely want to make a commitment to being healthier. I think each person has a very individual definition of what that means. Here is what I envision when I see a healthier me: I get enough sleep, I burn more calories than I take in, I limit the amount of “bad” food that I eat, I exercise regularly, my mind is clearer, and my energy level is high. Anyone care to join us? Whether that means starting a new health challenge for yourself or sharing some of your own methods with us, we would love it if you, our listeners, joined us on this journey. To your health!

Wardrobe Sh!t

This week, we talked about how differently Marko and I approach clothing. To put it simply, I am function and he is form; yet there is so much more to issue than simply that. As we know, clothing can be a simple pairing of top and bottom pieces that are weather appropriate and keep you from getting arrested for indecent exposure :) Clothing can also be an expression of how one feels that day, an affirmation of one’s gender, or (for many) a sign of social status and achievement.

I have never been much of a fashionista, but the conversation this week with Marko got me to thinking a bit. Perhaps, even when we are in a pandemic and largely staying home, dressing up can still afford us some bonus points to our self-esteem. Dressing up may be more important now than we realize: whether it’s a nice meal in at home, a day with an important meeting, or just because you have not done it in some time. I’m going to goal myself with dressing up at least one day each week, just to see if it makes me feel better, as Marko insinuated. Let’s see how this one goes….

Technology Sh!t

This week, we talked about how technology could be interfering with our relationships. This “technoference” can be very pervasive, according to the research included in the articles we reviewed. I always enjoy it when we dive into empirical evidence: I find it makes things that much more interesting. I was especially impressed with the clear stance on cyber bullying that one of the articles took.

Since recording this episode, I have definitely been much more aware of how I let my phone interrupt my husband. Just this morning, he was talking to me and a text alert sounded, potentially abruptly halting our conversation. There was an absolutely observable moment where Marko paused, as if to see whether I was going to check the message or not. I certainly learned my lesson because I did not loose even a single glance at my phone before he was done talking and had walked away. I wonder if he noticed…

Life Coach Sh!t

This week, we interviewed Brian Falduto, a podcaster, singer/songwriter, certified life coach, child actor (remember the gay kid from School of Rock?), advocate, and all around amazing person. Brian really impressed me with his drive, his creativity, and his humor, all while maintaining an approachable humanity. The conversation was so good we skipped our usual topic discussion because we wanted you all to get to hear more from him!

I found Brian to be truly inspiring. He has done work with The Trevor Project, one of my favorite non-profits. The man can sing! He is also kind and hilarious. He’s a life coach entrepreneur, offering not just individual services but fascinating group ones as well. You have to check out his website (www.brianfalduto.com) and start feeling more connected, grounded, and authentic. I personally felt motivated to do more with my life and saw clearly that a person can do lots of things that they love all at once! He’s absolutely incredible.

Ice Breaker Sh!t

This week we played a great ice breaker game. I personally am a huge fan of ice breakers but even if you aren’t this one was unique and a lot of fun. I especially enjoyed our answers to #3: If you could sleep on a bed of anything, what would it be? You’ll have to go listen to the episode to learn the answer.

We only went through about half of the 60 questions, saving the second half for this month’s virtual meet and greet. I can say with absolute certainty that a certain mom (who shall remain nameless but we will know who she is!) gave consistently revealing and hilarious answers. My favorite? When we all had to choose between what we would scratch first of all three itched at the same time: eyes, nose, or butt. Her response was that she would choose her nose because she could blink her eyes and move her butt in her chair. And then she showed us!!! You had to be there: it was hysterical!

Intimacy Sh!t

This week, Marko and I mixed things up a bit and played a wonderful card game that is designed to promote intimacy, whether with yourself or a person that you are newly dating or an intimate, long-term partner. It was a ton of fun and we hope that you enjoyed the deeper dive into some of our more remote memories and sordid desires!

I am always a proponent of exercises that make communicating fun and interesting. I am so happy that my husband bought this game and I can’t wait to play it again. Even for a couple that has been together for over a decade, we can use some help in bringing the conversation to life. As we said during the segment, our experience is not so much learning things about each other as it is remembering things. I guess that’s either a sign of real intimacy…or profound denial! I like to think that its the former :)

Potential Sh!t

This week’s topic was about falling in love with who your partner actually is, not who they could be: the person, not the potential. As we discussed in the segment, Marko and I were definitely guilty of this in a significant way. We ran across some hard times in our relationship because we both had idealized the other (and were disappointed); how much easier it could have been if we had only based our adoration on reality!

While the steps outlined in the articles we shared discuss the very real challenge of facing the truth, the facts are that the person you are interested in isn’t perfect but still has plenty to offer! They can make your heart flutter and sink your spirits. Relationships involve two imperfect people who frequently flaunt their flaws in unflattering ways. So you don’t have to ignore their faults, put them on a pedal stool, or lower the red flags below your eye line. It is much better to look the truth square in the face…and smile.