Relationsh@.
The weekly blog about our podcast, Relationsh!t.
Relationsh!t Podcast co-host, Tony Critelli, writes about the week’s topic and gives us all some much-needed insight and perspective as it relates to relationship goals and efforts.
Violence Sh!t
This week, we talked about intimate partner violence. It is a very heavy but important topic. Neither Marko nor I have sustained ongoing violence in a relationship and we are grateful for that. Personally, it took me a very long time to learn what a healthy relationship looked like and even longer to learn that I deserved one. While it is a routine part of romantic maturation to go through many trial and error situations, it is not an acceptable part of that process to be harmed by the person you are dating.
This week, we talked about intimate partner violence. It is a very heavy but important topic. Neither Marko nor I have sustained ongoing violence in a relationship and we are grateful for that. Personally, it took me a very long time to learn what a healthy relationship looked like and even longer to learn that I deserved one. While it is a routine part of romantic maturation to go through many trial and error situations, it is not an acceptable part of that process to be harmed by the person you are dating.
For anyone reading this who has been mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally, psychologically, or physically harmed by their partner, please know that love is not supposed to hurt like that. And if you are the one perpetrating those acts, please know that you were taught poorly by the world and that help does exist. None of you has to go through the pain that you are experiencing. Love is not supposed to hurt like that. We all deserve better. So let’s get the help that we need and start treating each other, and ourselves, with the respect that we deserve. I know it can be scary, that it is going to take a lot of work. I also know that you can do it. And that you have a whole community here to support you.
Finance Sh!t
This week, we talked about finances. Specifically, what to do when one partner makes more than the other. We analyzed and debated the 50/50 method versus the percentage of income method. We dance around the conversation of an increase in salary equitability due to a raise and what that does to the dynamic of the relationship. We flirted with the idea of making more money and whether that justified a revisiting of the household budget. In short, we tackled one of the greatest relationship issues that there is for any partnership: money.
This week, we talked about finances. Specifically, what to do when one partner makes more than the other. We analyzed and debated the 50/50 method versus the percentage of income method. We dance around the conversation of an increase in salary equitability due to a raise and what that does to the dynamic of the relationship. We flirted with the idea of making more money and whether that justified a revisiting of the household budget. In short, we tackled one of the greatest relationship issues that there is for any partnership: money.
It is a tough topic, especially for me. Our listeners know about my previously toxic relationship with money that has only become healthier not too long ago. So when Marko started earning more money, it was difficult for me to celebrate and be as present as I should. And he noticed. And commented. It is not because I was jealous or felt some imbalance in my worth to the household. It wasn’t really anything that I could understand, honestly. Unti I gave it some time. Now, I realize what the issue was: I couldn’t believe that it was real. Abundance was so absent from my life for so long that I couldn’t recognize it as anyting other than a fairy tale. And that wasn’t fair to my husband. Or to me. Or to our relationship. We deserve everything that we are getting. And I look forward to learning how to navigate these new waters. Anybody able to identify with what I’m experiencing or how I’m feeling?
Connection Sh!t
This week, we talked about being truly connected to your partner, both emotionally and physically. In particular, how to achieve the physical connection when the fuel for that fire is your emotional connection. Something that I learned this week is that, for Marko the emotional fuels the physical while for me the physical fuels the emotional. Such a dynamic has the potential to provide a satisfying feedback loop but it also could spell disaster! With two interdependent conditions, the symbiotic relationship between touching each other (both physically and emotionally) is paramount to the success of our relationship.
This week, we talked about being truly connected to your partner, both emotionally and physically. In particular, how to achieve the physical connection when the fuel for that fire is your emotional connection. Something that I learned this week is that, for Marko the emotional fuels the physical while for me the physical fuels the emotional. Such a dynamic has the potential to provide a satisfying feedback loop but it also could spell disaster! With two interdependent conditions, the symbiotic relationship between touching each other (both physically and emotionally) is paramount to the success of our relationship.
Marko and I definitely have a lot to learn about ourselves and from each other when it comes to this topic. For me, it is the greatest area of improvement. The challenge is really large because so much of my ability to be present and to give depends upon feeling connected to my partner. I share of my cup until I burn out but once my fuel cells are depleted, I retreat to replenish them; drain them enough without making any deposits and I soon disconnect from the source of my drainage. Its something I continually work on. It doesn’t help that Marko and my love languages are so different that they often feel diametrically opposed to one another!
As we shared throughout the podcast episode, this is an area of great discontent for us both. Hopefully the advise and guidance of our guest, along with our own internal determination and the boost provided by our romantic feelings surrounding our anniversary will give us the tools that we need to improve our connection to and with one another. Wish us luck, dear listeners!
Whole Sh!t
This week, we talked about being a whole person before getting into a serious relationship. There is this concept that two people come together to make each other whole. One person rescues the other and then things fade to black. But what happens after the fairy tale? Nobody ever talks about that: the work, the compromise, the fighting, the learning…things that challenge two whole people. While all relationships can help us grow and get closer to becoming who we are, Marko and I think that it is important to dispel the idea that a relationship somehow completes you.
This week, we talked about being a whole person before getting into a serious relationship. There is this concept that two people come together to make each other whole. One person rescues the other and then things fade to black. But what happens after the fairy tale? Nobody ever talks about that: the work, the compromise, the fighting, the learning…things that challenge two whole people. While all relationships can help us grow and get closer to becoming who we are, Marko and I think that it is important to dispel the idea that a relationship somehow completes you.
It is very unlikely that a relationship will last unless you enter it having a very good sense of who you are and what you value. Again, you can grow together with another person but it is equally likely that you will grow apart if you do not know who you are. I don’t want to say that it is impossible to find an incredible relationship while learning about yourself: but there is a foundation of who we are that should be fundamentally and fully explored before expecting to know how to be with another person honestly and for a long time. We will continue to grow throughout our lifetime and, if we chose our partner wisely and as a whole person, our partnership will grow as well. By being a whole person before we get into a serious relationship, we will have chosen a partner with whom we can grow together.
Back-in-the-Day Sh!t
This week, we talked about our history as queer people and a community. The importance of what happened before we arrived on this planet was the topic of the first podcast we ever did and is as relevant and fundamentally critical now as it was then and ever shall be. We must learn about our ancestry, study the thoughts and struggles of those that came before us, sit at the feet of knowledge, and use it all as fuel to push ourselves and our neighbors forward. Lest we repeat the past or forever remain children of the unknown.
This week, we talked about our history as queer people and a community. The importance of what happened before we arrived on this planet was the topic of the first podcast we ever did and is as relevant and fundamentally critical now as it was then and ever shall be. We must learn about our ancestry, study the thoughts and struggles of those that came before us, sit at the feet of knowledge, and use it all as fuel to push ourselves and our neighbors forward. Lest we repeat the past or forever remain children of the unknown.
We should listen to the stories of those that came before we did. The triumphs of our predecessors can teach us. The experiences of others can help us grow. The lessons learned are ours to inherit, freed of all the struggle and filled with the gain. It may seem strange to focus on things that happened before we were born but, like the book we featured this week, there is so much that we can learn from each other, from every generation, and from all the things that have changed thanks to the efforts of what occurred outside of our memory. Try it. You will be a better person from hearing these stories. I promise :)
Representation Sh!t
This week, we talked about something that I think and feel is so important: queer representation on television. Regardless of the category, seeing queer people in music videos, in comic books, in sitcoms, on the news, in literature, or in sports is so essential to healthy development. If you are BIPOC, think about how important it is to walk down a toy aisle and see a doll of any color other than white. Representation matters.
This week, we talked about something that I think and feel is so important: queer representation on television. Regardless of the category, seeing queer people in music videos, in comic books, in sitcoms, on the news, in literature, or in sports is so essential to healthy development. If you are BIPOC, think about how important it is to walk down a toy aisle and see a doll of any color other than white. Representation matters.
I was really happy to get the chance to talk with my husband about this issue because there is some common ground that we share and then there are parts that we do not. Having aspects of trauma around not seeing myself on TV that we could share was incredibly helpful and unifying. Conversely, those parts that we cannot share because I am white and he is Black were edifying and guided me to a place of greater understanding. We all need to see parts of ourselves out there in the world. We need to know that we aren’t alone and that we can succeed. We need each other. We need familiarity. We need community.
Cuffing Sh!t
This week, we worked out a few things (thanks for the pun, babe!) around queer people and their relationship to the gymnasium. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with iron and exercise, going too far down the all-consuming path of protein and pumping. Others experience an equally less than stellar stance: they are traumatized, afraid to enter the locker room. We burn down a few misconceptions and a few hundred calories on the treadmill of this conversation.
This week, we talked about…honestly, the strangest thing I have ever heard. It is so odd to me that you would date someone knowing that there is an expiration, let alone a season for it! I had never heard of cuffing before (big surprise) and I am flabbergasted to know that it exists. I am also further curious to know whether I was ever a part of it and just didn’t know!
As with any relationship choice that is ethical and involves continuous, enthusiastic consent, I would never yuck somebody’s yum. If you feel lonely in the colder months or don’t want to be alone during the holidays, do you. And do somebody else. As long as you are safe and (hopefully) aware of your own patterns, boundaries, and are giving yourself what you deserve, who the heck is ANYONE ELSE to comment on what you are doing.
…I still personally prefer cuffing to refer to something else though ;)
Vacation Sh!t
This week, we worked out a few things (thanks for the pun, babe!) around queer people and their relationship to the gymnasium. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with iron and exercise, going too far down the all-consuming path of protein and pumping. Others experience an equally less than stellar stance: they are traumatized, afraid to enter the locker room. We burn down a few misconceptions and a few hundred calories on the treadmill of this conversation.
This week, we talked about how to vacation as a couple and various ways to ensure you do not commit international homicide :) Nobody wants to end a getaway with incarceration! Seriously though, planning and taking time off, away from home, can be both difficult and necessary. You’d think that scheduling time to de-stress wouldn’t be stressful, right? Not the planet that we live on, friends.
This next part should come as no surprise to our regulars: I don’t have the healthiest relationship with money. I’ve been working on it for years and I have come a long way but there are still hurdles that challenge me every year. That said, I’m really glad that I have been putting aside resources to ensure that Marko and I get to take time off, see the world, and enjoy adventures with each other. The pandemic definitely put a temporary damper on that but we have decided to start living life again (with vaccinations and other precautions, of course). So we will revisit our favorite destination (Punta Cana, the original site of our honeymoon) and next year, for my 40th birthday, we are going to Greece. What’s on your horizon? Whether it is with your partner, a group of friends, or a journey by yourself, I hope that you find serenity and safety in your sojourn. We all deserve.
Friendship Sh!t
This week, we worked out a few things (thanks for the pun, babe!) around queer people and their relationship to the gymnasium. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with iron and exercise, going too far down the all-consuming path of protein and pumping. Others experience an equally less than stellar stance: they are traumatized, afraid to enter the locker room. We burn down a few misconceptions and a few hundred calories on the treadmill of this conversation.
This week, we talked about friendship and its importance in any relationship. As you know, this was a topic we covered very early in the podcast but we wanted to revisit in order to: 1) see how our perspective has evolved and 2) give you less shitty-quality sound files :)
For this blog, I’d like to focus on what happened after our 1:1 conversation. We were joined by friends of the podcast, Erika and Steve. You’ve heard their voices and you’ve listened to us mention them many, many times over the years. But I really want to hone in on this relationship for a moment.
Marko and I have been together for over a decade and we have seen our in-home social calendar evolve many times over the years. We no longer host random parties with a core-but-rotating group of people and their random friends. We don’t go out to dinners with couples ‘for the first time’ as much as we used to. Rather, we have finally found that family we were always searching for. We have established a community with moon-like tidal force, which affects the very nature of our existence. It is awesome and humbling and beloved. It took us a very long time but we have found it. We want you to know that it can happen for you too. We want you to notice how important it is (I just wrote three paragraphs on a precedented two-paragraph blog for the first time…and a fourth is coming!).
You can find your community. You can find your family. They are out there. Don’t stop being open to the idea. Don’t let history get you down. This podcast is part of that community. We love you and are here for you. Join one of our monthly virtual meet and greet events if you don’t know this in your core. We will show you that harmony is possible.
Maxxie La Wow Sh!t
This week, we worked out a few things (thanks for the pun, babe!) around queer people and their relationship to the gymnasium. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with iron and exercise, going too far down the all-consuming path of protein and pumping. Others experience an equally less than stellar stance: they are traumatized, afraid to enter the locker room. We burn down a few misconceptions and a few hundred calories on the treadmill of this conversation.
This week, we spoke with the creator of an upcoming animated film about a super-shero drag queen. It got me to thinking about representation and where my generation might be if we had seen more of ourselves and our community on television in an unapologetic, fully realized kind of way. We had tropes; we had flat, supporting characters that were part of a single episode addressing an issue of queerness where the actor was little more than a foil to show conflict and growth within the main character (usually male) and their spouse (exclusively female). But that was all we got.
Who would each of us be if we had shows like Queer as Folk and Will & Grace during our formative years, instead of in our adulthood? Well, we would be the queer youth of today, of course! Representation and conversation in the mainstream have lead to queer and trans youth finding their identity at a younger age and with less negative outcomes. Jealous? I know I am! We can’t change the past, though, so let’s focus our attention instead on celebrating having now what we wanted then. There is a great project to give the world more fully realized queer content in the vein of an animated, tongue-in-cheek, super-shero, feature length film. Go support Maxxie La Wow!
Monogamy Sh!t
This week, we worked out a few things (thanks for the pun, babe!) around queer people and their relationship to the gymnasium. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with iron and exercise, going too far down the all-consuming path of protein and pumping. Others experience an equally less than stellar stance: they are traumatized, afraid to enter the locker room. We burn down a few misconceptions and a few hundred calories on the treadmill of this conversation.
This week, we began revisiting topics from the dreadful season one archives :) The topic that started it all, monogamy and what it means within the LGBTQ+ community. As we have said from the beginning, there is nothing wrong with whatever relationship model you and your partner(s) agree to be in. We scoured our social network and community, the internet, and podcast directories to try and find where the voice of a monogamous queer couple of men was touted, discussed, and celebrated. And we found a great big ol’ void.
It is so nice to return to these initial, important topics now that we have better equipment and a few editing skills! This one is near and dear to our hearts, of course: Marko and I love our monogamous relationship and feel it is a cornerstone of our values. We are so glad to share with you all, each week, the things that are important to us, the times that we are triumphant, the truth when we fail, and the moments in between. We adore you all and are excited to do some remakes with you!
Baggage Sh!t
This week, we worked out a few things (thanks for the pun, babe!) around queer people and their relationship to the gymnasium. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with iron and exercise, going too far down the all-consuming path of protein and pumping. Others experience an equally less than stellar stance: they are traumatized, afraid to enter the locker room. We burn down a few misconceptions and a few hundred calories on the treadmill of this conversation.
This week, we talked about the baggage that we all bring to every relationship. Let me say that again: baggage is something that we all bring to every relationship. Not just romantic ones. Why? Because baggage is just another term for the perfectly natural experience of being human, experiencing trauma and exuberance, learning and re-learning, and being a complex, whole human being. Don’t worry: we are all carting around our baggage.
As we discussed on the show, though, the important thing is how you handle your (and a partner’s) said baggage. Can you be perfectly honest about who you are and what challenges you bring to the table? Its difficult. It takes time and practice and failure and more practice. But if you think about it, none of us actually has a choice in the matter. The obstacles will eventually get in your way and need to be addressed; so why not take them head on? You’ll be glad you did: regardless of the outcome, the truth is all that you will encounter.
Nicknames Sh!t
This week, we worked out a few things (thanks for the pun, babe!) around queer people and their relationship to the gymnasium. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with iron and exercise, going too far down the all-consuming path of protein and pumping. Others experience an equally less than stellar stance: they are traumatized, afraid to enter the locker room. We burn down a few misconceptions and a few hundred calories on the treadmill of this conversation.
This week, Ottoman and Tootsie talked about cute nicknames that couples often give to one another. While there were clear off-limits names (Water Buffalo should have been acceptable and lauded for its impressiveness!!!), there were also some winners (who doesn’t like Thin Mints?!). It was a fun topic for us to discuss, especially since we were calling each other by everything except our government names from darn near the beginning of our relationship :)
The exploration of the intimacy piece and the blurred lines of what is socially acceptable was my favorite part. The nuanced narrative of what makes its way to the debriefing ride home was especially revealing, I thought. I learned a lot about my husband this week and I’m really grateful for it. We hope you enjoyed the episode and we are so grateful to you for listening. This podcast is so much fun for us and we hope that it is entertaining, helpful, and (at least once in a while) inspiring and healing for you. “Yes, Love”
~Babe
Gym Sh!t
This week, we worked out a few things (thanks for the pun, babe!) around queer people and their relationship to the gymnasium. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with iron and exercise, going too far down the all-consuming path of protein and pumping. Others experience an equally less than stellar stance: they are traumatized, afraid to enter the locker room. We burn down a few misconceptions and a few hundred calories on the treadmill of this conversation.
This week, we worked out a few things (thanks for the pun, babe!) around queer people and their relationship to the gymnasium. Some people have an unhealthy relationship with iron and exercise, going too far down the all-consuming path of protein and pumping. Others experience an equally less than stellar stance: they are traumatized, afraid to enter the locker room. We burn down a few misconceptions and a few hundred calories on the treadmill of this conversation.
As with everything in life, this topic is about creating balance. You should take pride in yourself, want to be healthy so that you can live longer, strive for some cardio to keep that heart pumping and that face smiling; you could also work on your fears about sport and activity around other people, especially those who identify as gay men that were picked on in middle and high school. As I always say about spirituality, don’t let anyone block your access to something greater than yourself. I definitely include a healthier, happier, longer-living version of yourself in that. Even if somebody is looking at you, the heck with them: wherever you are at in your fitness journey, the fact that you are committing yourself to do and be better is all that matters. Don’t worry: I’ll spot ya!
Dating Sh!t
This week, we talked about something that Marko and I have not done in over a decade: dating! Unless you count our random nights out with just the two of us going to a movie or dinner, which I do! We have got to get better at that. My husband put a calendar reminder for date night on our phones a million moons ago and we have not been good about adhering to it. Our anniversary is coming up, though, and I made a reservation for a really amazing, ten-course dinner at a fancy restaurant, so hopefully, that will make up for some lost time ;)
This week, we talked about something that Marko and I have not done in over a decade: dating! Unless you count our random nights out with just the two of us going to a movie or dinner, which I do! We have got to get better at that. My husband put a calendar reminder for date night on our phones a million moons ago and we have not been good about adhering to it. Our anniversary is coming up, though, and I made a reservation for a really amazing, ten-course dinner at a fancy restaurant, so hopefully, that will make up for some lost time ;)
Dating is tough and it is hard to know when to do or not to do certain things. When do you have the talk about what you are looking for? Should you be totally casual, dating a bunch of people or can you be a serial monogamist? What if you are polyamorous? The bottom line is that there are no rules. Follow your gut, stick to your values, and you will attract the person (or persons!) that are right for you. Learn your lessons from your mistakes, move on, and say yes to another adventure! Take breaks from dating when you need them but don’t give up! It is worth it. I promise!
Fetishizing Sh!t
This week, we talked about how the gay male community is obsessed with underwear. And I am one of the people obsessed! I find underwear to be an incredibly expressive and sexy staple of attraction. As I shared on the show, I think part of my appreciation for underwear comes from looking at clothing ads during my pubescence. But, then again, who didn’t have a similar experience growing up?!
This week, we talked about a topic that I honestly cannot even begin to comprehend: being fetishized because of the color of your skin or the nation of your origin. Maybe this is my white privilege talking but I cannot think of anything more arbitrary upon which to base whether you open a door or shut it.
I personally look forward to a day when race is no longer an option as a filter on dating apps. I’m not even in favor of groups having specialized dating apps when it is part of their religion. I say mix it up, blur all the lines, break down each barrier, and open yourself up to every culture. It is who the person is—where they come from, where they have been, and what they want to be—that you should be attracted to. That’s the type of connection that lasts.
After Dark Sh!t
This week, we talked about how the gay male community is obsessed with underwear. And I am one of the people obsessed! I find underwear to be an incredibly expressive and sexy staple of attraction. As I shared on the show, I think part of my appreciation for underwear comes from looking at clothing ads during my pubescence. But, then again, who didn’t have a similar experience growing up?!
This week, we played another in a great series of card games that are designed to spark conversation. Whether you are single, starting something new, or in a long-term relationship, these cards are a great way to learn more about yourself and the one(s) that you are with! The version we played this time was more adult, so buckle up because this is Relationsh@ After Dark!
Marko and I were honest and forthright with our answers…at least, the ones we didn’t dodge! You may blush a time or two with the frankness of this segment. I’m not ashamed, though: as Marko said, there is no embarrassment when it comes to sexuality. So grab some cards and a few friends or a lover and start letting loose. We promise that you will laugh and you may even learn a thing or two!
Hot Girl Sh!t
This week, we talked about how the gay male community is obsessed with underwear. And I am one of the people obsessed! I find underwear to be an incredibly expressive and sexy staple of attraction. As I shared on the show, I think part of my appreciation for underwear comes from looking at clothing ads during my pubescence. But, then again, who didn’t have a similar experience growing up?!
This week, we talked about the upcoming Hot Girl Summer that is almost certainly going to happen. With people being vaccinated and itching to make up for lost time, this season is going to be a crazy, party-filled, hormone-driven extravaganza, the likes of which we have never seen before!
So what am I going to do with this information? It is not like my husband and I can go wild while being monogamous! I guess we can take more trips to the beach and support our single friends as they try to make out with as many sexy strangers as possible? That doesn’t sound appealing either LOL Maybe we will just go to Six Flags :) To all our single listeners out there: be safe and have fun! But really, be safe.
Underwear Sh!t
This week, we talked about how the gay male community is obsessed with underwear. And I am one of the people obsessed! I find underwear to be an incredibly expressive and sexy staple of attraction. As I shared on the show, I think part of my appreciation for underwear comes from looking at clothing ads during my pubescence. But, then again, who didn’t have a similar experience growing up?!
This week, we talked about how the gay male community is obsessed with underwear. And I am one of the people obsessed! I find underwear to be an incredibly expressive and sexy staple of attraction. As I shared on the show, I think part of my appreciation for underwear comes from looking at clothing ads during my pubescence. But, then again, who didn’t have a similar experience growing up?!
My response to underwear is not something I am ashamed of in any way. As with all consensual, enjoyable acts, I say live and let live; no need to feel guilty about what turns you on. While this blog is supposed to be a venue for me to share what I learned during the podcast and how I am going to use that going forward in our relationship, I don’t know that I should share that this week, given the topic. Wouldn’t want to embarrass Marko ;)
Healthy, Happy Sh!t
This week, we played an amazing card game with our friend asking the questions. Cards and other activities are such a simple way to spark conversation. I’m a huge fan of just about any exercise. You often learn something very important, share an embarrassing story that makes you laugh, or (at the very least), they can remind you of important things that you learned but may have forgotten.
This week, we talked with author, life coach, mathematician, Mean Girls and Schitt$ Creek enthusiast, and all-around amazing human being Ted Smith about his life experiences. He has been through a lot of queer soul-searching, small-town despair, personal growth, budding experiences with another gay male turned toxic and abusive relationship and a catalytic transformation that brought him into our thoughts and homes via an exceptional book.
What have any of us done to ensure that we have taken care of ourselves enough to be able to focus on the endless work and daily commitment that any relationship with another human being takes? We weren’t taught that. We don’t get guidance on that after we end a connection that is destructive. There is no empirical data or tri-fold leaflet passed out on the street to steer us back in the right direction. So what can we do? Read the book! Its exceptional and we highly recommend it :)